So both Moo and Peanut have been sick with a cold for the past week. Today is Moo’s first birthday and it seems she’s doing fairly better. We planned to have a party at a local park but canceled it because of the “cough due to cold.” Now we are celebrating as a family by going out to dinner and having a small cake.
While decorating the house for her before she opened presents Moo was passed out on the couch. She hasn’t slept well this entire week so I know she’s exhausted. This was captured as we hung the happy birthday banner:
It’s unfortunate that she’s sick and doesn’t get to have the grand celebration many parents throw for their children theses days. On the other hand, I’m kind of okay with it because I think throwing an extravagant party for a one or two-year-old is stupid. Here is my proposal for children’s parties from now on.
Throwing a Party
Nowadays kid parties can cost upwards of $500 even for the most basic ones. If you’re like most parents you’ve plucked a cute theme off Pinterest-like “Fairy Woodland” or “Rookie of the Year”. You start buying all these decorations, foods, and other party accessories to make this the grandest celebration ever. The big day finally comes, you’re $700 in the hole and your kid is sitting on the floor have a grand ole time playing with the wrapping paper over the actual toy he/she received. Not only do your kids not remember these first birthdays but they don’t care.
Think back to when you were in college, all the crazy parties you attended. Think back to when that ended and why. You probably settled down, got married, had a kid or two and decided you had to be more of an adult. Now ask yourself “Don’t I deserve to unwind and have fun?” Yes! Fuck Yea you do! And a kid’s first birthday is just the day to do it. You work hard all year round, your poor wife hasn’t slept in months, and frankly, you can do whatever you’d like. So this is my proposal to the parents out there; let’s start putting the “Party” back into Birthday Party. Take that $700 you would’ve spent on glittery fucking fairy wings or a shitty weekend magician and throw yourself a true party for the ages.
Step 1: Alcohol
Booze is a MUST at your soirée. Beer, wine, Jell-O shots, fuckin Margarita machine stuff to get the uppity, kale-loving parents loosened up. ( It’s worth noting that you probably will get some pushback from some parents. But tell that snob Carol to shove it, no one likes her kid anyway). The alcohol is key because you need to remind people that just because they’re parents now doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy themselves and have a good time.
Step 2: Music
Whether you were hotboxing a VW Bus, rocking out to Metallica in your Trans Am, or getting hot and heavy with your sweetie while listening to Savage Garden in your Toyota Tercel, I bet music played an important role in your young adult life.
You need to create an epic playlist for your playlist.
Variety is key for this. You want a good mix of music from Notorious B.I.G. to Third Eye Blind to Creedence Clearwater Revival. Bring everyone together through song.
Under NO circumstance should fucking kiddie bands like the Wiggles appear on your playlist. Ever!
Step 3: Food
If you do a well enough job liquoring up your guests you shouldn’t have to put too much thought into food. No kale chips (fuck you Carol), no gluten free options, no special consideration. Except for peanuts. Don’t serve peanuts, that shit will fuck someone up if they’re allergic and you don’t need that on your conscious. Pizza is always a safe bet.
Step 4: Party Games
Ditch the “Pin the tail on the donkey” and bust out the old 72 x 30-inch folding table sitting in the garage. Take this time to dust off those Beer Pong skills and reclaim the title of Pong Champion. This will not only impress your wife but it will also make all the other dads bow before you as they realize they are in the presence of a king.
Step 5: Timing
Okay, make sure you pay close attention to this part because the timing of your party will be the most important key to success. Most kid parties are either early or mid-afternoon. You want to plan your party early enough that people will think it is a kid’s party but late enough that when all things go well it moves into the night. A 4 pm start time is perfect. You are not committed to providing dinner for everyone but once the Jell-O shots kick in people will be hungry around 5:30 pm. Then you casually suggest you and your dad-bud run out and grab some pizzas for the troops. When you return from your pizza run (hopefully you grabbed some more beer while you were out) the party should be clicking towards 7 pm. Everyone’s eating pizza, drinking beer, enjoying the sweet tunes from your playlist so this would be a perfect time to really push the beer pong. If you manage these steps correctly, the kids should be passed out in a guest room as you and your friends are chilling out on the patio well into the night.
If you manage these steps correctly, the kids should be passed out in a guest room as you and your friends are chilling out on the patio well into the night.
So basically that’s it. Now, go out there and have fun. Enjoy your kid’s birthday, you deserve it.
- Remember this should only be done for kids 2 and under so they don’t remember it. Anytime 3 years of age and up would just be a dick move on your part.