Well, Shit.

I am not really afraid of much. There are things I don’t enjoy, or would rather avoid, like spiders, creepy-ass clowns (regular ones are fine), or heights. I am deathly afraid of flying for some reason. Just do not like it. Drug me and wake me up when we get to the destination. But other than flying I have had a tremendous fear, more so a nervousness, about one of the kids shitting in the bathtub. Well, I have lived my nightmare and survived. But for a few short moments, I was deep in my own personal hell.

I started off like any normal day does. I woke up at 5:15 am to get ready for work. I put my socks on, then my pants, shirt, and shoes. One last check to make sure my hair was in place and out the door at 5:50. The drive to work was normal, the workday was busy but nothing unusual. After work, I swung by the house to pick up the wife so we could get the essentials at the grocery store and a pizza for dinner. While my wife shopped, I hung out with the kiddos in the car. I noticed a smell from the back seat and realized that Moo had pooped. No big deal. I drove the car a little further out into the empty spaces of the parking lot to give me some room to work. Luckily we have an SUV which makes diaper changes while on the road much easier. Switching from a small compact Hyundai to the SUV was a godsend. So, I changed Moo relatively quickly and by the time I was done, my wife had finished shopping and was walking back to the car.

Back at home we unloaded the troops, cooked the pizza and sat down for dinner. We make it a point that we eat as a family. That is something we do not budge on when it comes to house rules. Even when family comes to visit, we may be a little more lenient on seating arrangements but we will still all eat together. The biggest component of that rule is no phones at the table and the television has to be turned off. We can have music playing but that’s it. No distractions. It is our time to unplug, sit, and talk with each other. After dinner my wife headed to the office/nursery to get some work done. She works from home and relies heavily on social media to sell and market her products so I try to give her some time off from the kids as soon as I get home from work. With my wife live streaming on Facebook about the new shipment she received that day, I decided to give the kids a bath.

6/21/17 9:30 pm

I’ll never forget the day that everything went down. I remember it like it was yesterday. The kids splashing and laughing in the water, the hum of the bathroom fan, my wife’s muffled voice behind the closed office door. The first shot rang out. I sat next to the tub stunned. I quickly looked around for any evidence of the shooter. *Bubble* A second shot, this one much more powerful than the first. I knew then that Moo was the one. I frantically scooped up Peanut as the murky water started to surround her. Still soapy, and now confused, she started to cry. Moo sat there in the murk. In a panic a ran to the office and opened the door. My wife in the middle of her live stream looked up from the computer. Recognizing that it would be bad for business to yell “Moo shit in the tub!” I mouthed “Come here Now! NOW! NOW!” Back in the tub, Moo started to move. In fear of her losing her balance and landing face first into the dirty water, I picked her up and held her in the air. “What are you doing?” my wife asked. “I DON’T KNOW!” I shot back. “Well, what happened?” she asked. “She shit everywhere!” I replied frantically. My wife pressed on with her questions, “well, why are you holding her like that?” I was still holding Moo by her armpits, slippery and soapy and half-covered in poop water, dangling her over the tub, I was desperately trying to prevent her from sliding out of my grip. “I don’t know what to do, I was in the middle of washing Peanut when she shit,” I said. My wife motioned for me to pass Moo to her so I did. We started to empty the tub and she put Moo down in the bathroom sink. We devised a plan on the fly. Once the tub was empty we showered off Moo first and then Peanut. I handed Moo to my wife who threw a diaper around that kid’s butt faster than I’ve ever seen. The gallons of bleach I poured into the tub gave the whole house a nice clean aroma. The situation had been contained.

Finally at around 10:00 pm the kids were ready for bed. A quick story was read and Peanut drifted off to sleep, the dogs followed suit, all was quiet. But then Moo, who decided bedtime wasn’t for her, ran around the living room floor screeching and screaming at the top of her lungs as to remind us that a quiet home is a thing of the past.


One Comment

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  1. I just laughed out loud reading this!


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